“Porn. I love the theory and hate the practice. Aesthetically, not politically; any porn of consenting adults has a right to exist and I don’t even want to debate that. But… gosh, why does it have to be so ugly? It seems like the vast majority of mainstream porn conforms to the same unwritten stylistic constraints and they’re terrible ones. “
Recent studies have shown that heavy drinking does more damage to the teenage brain than previously suspected, while the part of the brain responsible for judgment is not even fully formed until the age of 25. (link)
As I watch the box score from today’s Tigers/Royals game I’m saddened to think that Brandon Inge will no longer be an everyday player. I’m glad we landed Cabrera and I’m confident he will help secure a deep playoff run come October. However, I’d still like to see the Notorious I-N-G-E everyday. He’s playing centerfield today for an injured Granderson, which is something. No matter how much playing time he gets, Inge is still my Tiger.
“Never reply to questions and nags from your girlfriend, wife or mom whilst shaving, this will guarantee that you don’t remove half your face and end up in accident and emergency. At the end of the day, shaving is “sacred time” and tactfully let your partner know that you need to descend into a “trance-like state” at this time.”—
I get very excited when Squeeze shows up on my mp3 player. Their Singles album is awesome, still.
I love Squeeze! We went to their show at the Greek last summer, and Fountains of Wayne opened. It was a pretty kickass show, even if my husband and I hiked three miles to the theatre rather than pay for parking.
"Why has the company gone out of its way to write up a terms of service that bans kids, yet at the same time, is engaged in kid-friendly promotions? Why does the site include anti-kid legalese that none of its competitors has opted to include?"
In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary.
1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘favour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up ‘vocabulary’).
3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like”, “cool” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun.
6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.
12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie McDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.
13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don’t try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.
14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.
16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs, with cucumber sandwiches, high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.
God save the Queen.
Only He can.
Please pass this message to all members of the former United States of America
“I’m going to trip over you one of these days, and it won’t be pleasant for either one of us.”—Me, to my cat who insists on walking a few steps ahead of me every morning and lays on the floor in front of my feet.
“Beastie Boys: “Beastie” is said to have originally stood as an acronym for “Boys Entering Anarchistic States Toward Internal Excellence”. However, according to Mike D and MCA on the Charlie Rose Show, August 28, 2007, this was an afterthought once the band was already named “Beastie Boys”.”—[from here]
My biggest fear? You’ll stand in the middle of Times Square with a dumbfounded look on your face and confirm New Yorkers view of Midwesterners. Please try to avoid it, it’s really just a lot of flashing lights and tall buildings.
Security guy to woman whose bag is in the machine: Lady, there is something Batman-shaped in your bag. Do you have Batman in your bag? Are you aware that you are not allowed to take American heroes out of the country?
If people watching could be transformed into a profession, I would make millions. Coffee shops, parks, video stores (esp when couples argue), and my new favorite — grocery store.
It only took a pass through 2 isles to notice that there is nothing easier than spot a single dude at the grocery store vs a married guy.
has a basket not a cart. maybe of those to midget carts at most
can be see walking up and down ever isle cause he has no idea where the hell anything is
will keep his basket to 10 items or less to guarantee his spot in the express check out
this may be just me, but I will spend 10-15 in the cereal section trying to figure out which one I want
has a shopping list
his big ass cart so full of shit there’s even stuff spilling out the child seat in the front part
will NEVER been seen in the frozen dinner isle
1/3 of his cart is filled with ingredients he didn’t even know existed
bonus: when in line and the wife asks if we forgot anything, its actually a trick question. Before they left the house, the wife had asked him “don’t let me forget ______.” Unbeknownst to him its already in the cart. Correct answer - “I’m pretty sure we got everything honey” and smile like the day she let sit on your ass to watch football all afternoon. She knows you’re lying, so you’re eff’d either way.
These are all merely snap analyses of what I saw during a quick in and out of my local grocery store. I’m sure married people grocery trips are not all like this and guys this has never happened to you….
“Those who keep saying Obama should have left when his pastor made some controversial comments don’t understand church. A church is about more than the pastor. It’s a big deal to leave your church—and people who leave their church because of things the pastor says usually weren’t very serious about it in the first place.”—
My mother, (who I’m quoting from memory, so I may have gotten something wrong.)
She’s right on this one. For those of you who aren’t active church members (which probably includes most of the people reading this), every good pastor will should say something you aren’t comfortable with once in a while. In my experience, it’s usually something about gays. A pastor might say that gay rights are human rights and after the sermon a few of the more conservative families will walk out of the church and never come back. Once in a while they find a new church, but more often they just stop going altogether. These are usually the people who were going to the church because they’ve always been going to the church and are happy to use what they see as the pastor’s spiritual shortcomings as an excuse to sleep in on Sunday morning.
For others, the church is a foundation and a community. Leaving your church because of the pastor would be like leaving all of your friends because one of them started doing something you don’t approve of or moving to a new house because you’re angry at the mayor.
Does staying at his church indicate a lapse of judgment? No. It indicates an ability to work with people he disagrees with even if it is not the politically expedient thing to do.